


let you down

by tsukkinky



Series: stories i thought of when i heard x song [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Kageyama Tobio Angst, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, Kageyama Tobio is a Mess, Kageyama Tobio-centric, M/M, Oikawa Tooru Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Kageyama Tobio, POV Oikawa Tooru, Poor Kageyama Tobio, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:13:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28463655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukkinky/pseuds/tsukkinky
Summary: Feels like we’re on the edge right nowI wish that I could say I’m proudI’m sorry that I let you downAll these voices in my head get loudI wish that I could shut them outI’m sorry that I let you downLet You Down, NF.--Or, why Kageyama Tobio doesn’t live to make it to Karasuno to set for the ginger that could have been his soulmate.Guilty as they come, Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime are haunted by the memories of animated eyes and wide smiles.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime & Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Aobajousai Volleyball Club, Kageyama Tobio & Kindaichi Yuutarou, Kageyama Tobio & Kindaichi Yuutarou & Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio & Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio/Aobajohsai Volleyball Club, Kageyama Tobio/Kindaichi Yuutarou, Kageyama Tobio/Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio/Kunimi Akira, Kageyama Tobio/Oikawa Tooru
Series: stories i thought of when i heard x song [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086539
Comments: 48
Kudos: 488





	1. At Least There Is Volleyball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️TW⚠️: Bullying, assault, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and suicide. Read at your own discretion. 

_Yeah, I guess I'm a disappointment_

_Doing everything I can_

_I don't wanna make you disappointed_

_It's annoying_

_I just wanna make you feel like everything I ever did_

_Was never tryna make an issue for you_

Little Kageyama’s head perks up at the sound of giggling. 

“Don’t worry, Akira-chan!”

Catching a group of first years huddled around Oikawa Tooru in the gymnasium, Kageyama automatically beams and heads over to where he could hear the third year joking around with his younger teammates. Tobio giggles along as if he heard the joke, standing among the others and chirps in a happy tone. “What are you guys talking about?”  
  
His innocence and naivety keeps him from noticing how tense the silence that falls over the group at his arrival, interrupted by the quiet, malicious snickering of the first years that are pointed in his general direction.

The tired looking first year looks over to Tobio, shrugging his shoulders. He and Kindaichi are the only ones who weren’t laughing along with the others. “I asked Oikawa-san to help me with my spikes.”

“Akira-chan was feeling a little shy!” Oikawa speaks up, throwing an arm around Kunimi and pulling the boy into his side. “And I told him no one could be as annoying as you, Tobio-chan. So, of course I would help!”

Oikawa only laughs at the kicked-puppy expression that takes over Kageyama’s features at the announcement. With the laughter of the first years fueling his drive, Oikawa continues to make digs at him. Kunimi and Kindaichi finally crack and chuckle along at a specific joke about Kageyama’s persistence. 

The group finally disperses when Iwaizumi Hajime hits Oikawa over the head and tells him not to bully a first year.

Tobio wishes he never laughed along.

_But, I guess the more you thought about everything_

_You were never even wrong in the first place, right?_

Kageyama walks over to where Oikawa is bent over, hands braced on his knees as he pants heavily. The raven has noticed how the third year setter has started staying late after practice, only leaving when a certain ace drags him out. 

Kageyama doesn’t know that he’s to blame. That the joy of being put on the court for the first time to ‘hold things down for his Oikawa-senpai’ until he cleared his head because Kageyama was capable isn’t as bright a memory as it seemed. 

“Oikawa-san.”

  
Iwaizumi looks up at the sound of Tobio’s voice, dragging his eyes away from where they had been glaring at Oikawa who is overworking himself again. His mouth drops open. The spiky-haired boy can practically feel the tension rolling off of Oikawa’s body in waves.

“Please teach me how to serve.”

Kageyama isn’t ready for the sudden shock of pain that explodes over his cheek and he stares at the wall that is next to him with wide eyes, where his head had been turned from the sheer force of Oikawa’s backhanded hit. It seems Iwaizumi hadn’t been either, because the boy was just a second too late from blocking Oikawa’s hit before it landed. 

Cobalts eyes fill with tears and Kageyama drops the ball he had held in his hands in favor of clasping a palm over his cheek. He lets out a shaky breath, too afraid to look at his seniors in case they might make fun of his fear. 

“Get a grip, you moron!” Kageyama barely registers the sharp yell from Iwaizumi and the sound of shuffling feet as the vice-captain manhandles Oikawa out of the gym. He’s still stunned from the hit, trying to register what he had done wrong to get hit in the first place. “Go home! You’re done for the day.” 

When a heavy palm lands on his shoulder, Kageyama flinches and looks up with fearful eyes. Iwaizumi stares at him with a guilty expression and the ace rubs at his own neck with his free hand as he looks over the underclassman. “You okay?”

Kageyama wills the tears away with a big intake of air and nods, dropping his head to look at the floor between them. His gaze is brought back up by a calloused finger that crooks under his chin and Kageyama stares at Iwaizumi with wide eyes, his lashes clumped together by the tears that had escaped the beds of his eyes before he could wipe them away. His breath hitches slightly as Iwaizumi turns his head to the side with the grip on his chin, looking at the nasty bruise that is forming on his cheek. “You should ice it down when you get home, to lessen the swelling.” 

Kageyama nods numbly, a little dazed due to how _nice_ it feels to be touched, even if it’s just a finger. It’s probably the touch-starved side of him, but the touch causes a warm feeling to blossom in his chest, and maybe, just possibly wraps around his heart and puts all the broken little pieces back together again. He enjoys being fussed over, if this could even count as that, but is quickly yanked from his paradise when Iwaizumi speaks up again.  
  


“Listen… You think we could keep this between us?” Kageyama looks at Iwaizumi, but doesn’t see him. He doesn’t hear the vice-captain as he continues to speak. He feels his heart drop to his stomach and the blood rushes in his ears, the happy feeling gone and replaced by that harsh voice in his head. _You didn’t actually think he cared, did you?_ No. No, please. The voice is mean; it’s his own. He doesn’t understand why he does it to himself, why he can’t just stop. Suddenly the feeling of Iwaizumi’s finger on his chin is scalding hot, not the warmth that comforted him. The sleeves of his shirt rub against his skin the wrong way, no longer feeling like the soft cotton that it is made out of. His arms ache, his face aches, his legs feel restless. 

“...yama? **Kageyama.** ” Kageyama reels back and away from Iwaizumi, suddenly returning to the present. He notices the harsh breaths coming through his nose, the rapid rise and fall of his chest. He sees Iwaizumi’s lips continue to move, hears the boy’s voice, but it doesn’t sound like what he’s used to. What _is_ he used to? Was he always like this? He doesn’t remember what it felt like when he wasn’t hyperfocusing on everything. Kageyama glances around, his breathing stuttering and failing to cooperate. He feels his heart rate rising, it’s like his entire body is pulsing in time with the beat. 

“Are you okay?” Iwaizumi asks him for the umpteenth time. Kageyama feels like he’s hearing the words from underwater. His mind is racing. _Don’t let him see how broken you are. You already look like a freak._ He tries to swallow down the lump in his throat, but fails miserably. “Yeah.” 

Iwaizumi doesn’t look like he believes him and when he opens his mouth to further question the boy, Kageyama speaks up again. His voice is steady, but his breathing contradicts the calm front he tries to present. “No one will know.”  
  
Iwaizumi blinks and opens his mouth, but nothing leaves his mouth the first time he tries to speak. He shuts it, his brows knit together as he takes in his underclassman’s state. He goes to try and address it once more, but he’s cut off by Kageyama bending over in a bow, the boy’s silky hair falling around his face like curtains. “Sorry for the inconvenience. Good night, Iwaizumi-san.” And just like that, the spot that Kageyama had previously been standing on is completely empty and the squeaky sound of sneakers hitting the gym’s floor is the only proof that Kageyama had been there at all.  
  


Kageyama doesn’t remember the walk, more like the run, to the club room. He doesn’t remember getting home, or entering his room and wrapping himself up in blankets. His mind is still racing, his hands are clammy, he feels like he’s going to throw up- no, he feels like he’s going to _die._ He’s stuck. Kageyama fists at the fabric covering his chest and presses his forehead into the sheets of his bed. When the thoughts, the restless pain he feels in his arms and legs, and the thundering of his heart against his ribs finally becomes too much, Kageyama falls asleep. He doesn’t find peace in his dreams, though. The dreams make him restless, toss and turn. Kageyama is left feeling like he will never escape the hell that is his anxiety. 

When Kageyama comes to practice the next day, avoiding Oikawa and Iwaizumi like the plague, no one says anything. Iwaizumi stares at Kageyama’s cheek, where the bruise is supposed to be, except there’s nothing there. He wonders how the boy covered the bruise up so well, unable to shake how strange it is that he knows how to do something no boy his age should know how to do, at least not so well. 

Kageyama pretends not to notice the questioning look on Kunimi’s face, the same mirrored on Kindaichi’s face, when he flinches away from the droopy-eyed boy’s high-five.

_Yeah, I'ma just ignore you, walking towards you_

_With my head down, lookin' at the ground I'm embarrassed for you_

_Paranoia, what did I do wrong this time?_

_Very loyal? Shoulda had my back but you put a knife in it_

_My hands are full, what else should I carry for you?_

_I cared for you but_

Kageyama ties his shoelaces from where he’s sat on the ground with his legs bent in front of him. He pays the crowd in front of him no mind as the first years and second years fuss over the third years, now known as graduates.  
  
“We’ll miss you Iwaizumi-san.” He hears Kindaichi say in that choked up way of his, when he’s trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. He looks up and sees Kunimi agreeing mutely.

“Yuu-chan! What about me?” Oikawa whines, shoving his best friend out of the way so that he’s in the spotlight. 

“It’s about time you left.” Kunimi deadpans, to which Oikawa gasps. 

“Mean, Akira-chan!”

Kageyama snorts, unable to hold back the amusement that came with his upperclassman being bullied. He stiffens up; however, when he hears the setter’s voice again, this time directed at him.  
  
“Tobio-chan! What’s so funny?” Kageyama opens his mouth, panic stealing away all the words he could possibly muster up. _You deserve what’s coming._

“N-Nothing, Oikawa-san.” 

Oikawa considers him, eyes narrowed and Kageyama can see the brown-gaze looking into his soul, stripping him of his pride and sense of security. “Are you not going to send your senpais off with a proper goodbye, Tobio-chan?!” 

Kageyama diverts his gaze when Iwaizumi looks his way as well, looking to the ground in front of him. 

**_“Listen… You think we could keep this between us?”_ **

“Congratulations,” Kageyama mutters, looking back at the two with his lips tipping upwards as he forces a smile. He stops when he hears the shrieks of laughter.  
  


“You still can’t smile, eh, Tobio-chan?!” Oikawa hollers, yowling in pain when Iwaizumi stomps on his toes and a whine escapes his lips. “Iwa-chan!”

“We will be hoping to see you all at Aoba Johsai. Keep things down here until then.” Iwaizumi looks over all of them with a proud look, his gaze faltering somewhat when it lands on Kageyama. Kageyama knows what the hesitancy means. _We hope to see them, not you._ He breaks their eye contact and unties his shoelaces, just so he can tie them up again and ease the tension he feels in his hands. 

He doesn’t follow the others when they walk to the clubroom, laughter booming loudly as they enjoy their last few moments together with the team as it is now, without Kageyama, but it’s not like he was ever apart of the team anyway. 

Volleyball. At least he has volleyball.

_Yeah, you don't wanna make this work_

_You just wanna make this worse_

_Want me to listen to you_

_But you don't ever hear my words_

_You don't wanna know my hurt, yet_

_Let me guess_

_You want an apology, probably_

_How can we keep going at a rate like this?_

_We can't, so I guess I'ma have to leave_

“Faster! You can jump higher than that!” Kageyama barks, turning around and dropping his arms to his side when he hears the ball fall onto the ground. “You won’t get to the ball if you don’t _try_.” 

Kindaichi looks at him with frustration plastered all over his face. “Why do you automatically assume the problem is me?! I can’t hit _your_ fucking tosses.”  
  
“I set it to bring out the best of your capabilities. _You_ can do better. You just don’t want to!” 

“When’d you become such a tyrant, Kageyama?” The words don’t come from Kindaichi, in fact Kageyama follows Kindaichi’s gaze to where the words came from, and the usually sleepy eyes stare back at him, squinted as if staring at the world’s hardest equation. 

Kindaichi goes back to staring at him incredulously, throwing his arms in the air as he laughs without any humour. “The King always knows best, right, Kunimi? Kageyama knows me better than I know myself.”  
  
The words could sound fond if they were said differently, but coming from the middle-blocker’s mouth, they only sounded condescending and venomous.  
  
“You’re never going to get better if you don’t push yourself. You’ll always be stuck with your second year capabilities; nothing more.” Kageyama states bluntly. He isn’t being mean, he’s stating the truth. He _knows_ they can do better, but they don’t want to try and listen to him. He’s doing this to bring out the best of the team, what’s the problem? 

“Oikawa-san was right.” Kageyama tenses, looking towards Kunimi when the fox-like boy speaks up again. “You really aren’t a team player.”  
  
Kageyama ignores the sting that comes from the words and walks over to the volleyball that rolled off of the court to pick it up. “One more.” A scoff follows, but Kindaichi backs up into position. If it wasn’t for the thirty minutes of practice remaining, Kageyama’s sure Kindaichi would have left the building entirely.

_I feel like every time I talk to you_

_You're in an awful mood_

_What else can I offer you?_

_There's nothing left right now, I gave it all to you_

Like the sound of a pin dropping in a silent room, all Kageyama hears is the ball bouncing off the floor after he had set it up and behind him. He turns around and sees nothing, only the ball rolling along the court. No one had gone in for the kill. They didn’t even try. 

He doesn’t hear the shrill sound of the whistle as he glances up from the ball, seeing the backs’ of his teammates- no, the volleyball players turnt to him. His arms flop down to his side from where they wavered over his head and all Kageyama feels is a coldness creeping up from his toes and threatening to swallow him whole. 

The next thing he knows, he’s sat on the bench. The coach offers him no words of reassurance. Kageyama pants, grasping at his knees as he looks down at the ground with furrowed eyebrows. He wants to stay on the court. He doesn’t want to leave. The team is playing without him, they’re losing, but they’re on the court. He wants to be on the court. It’s all that he has. 

Before he knows it, a whistle that concludes the match sounds out. They had lost. _They sacrificed Nationals, because they didn’t want to play with you._

He acts like doesn’t feel the eyes drilling holes in the back of his head, or maybe he really doesn’t, because all he feels is numb.

_But I guess I'm a letdown_

_But it's cool, I checked out_

_Oh, you wanna be friends now?_

_Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now_

_Sit around and talk about the good times_

_That didn't even happen_

_I mean, why are you laughing?_

_Must have missed that joke let me see if I can find a reaction_

_No, but at least you're happy_

Kageyama doesn’t make a sound of pain, barely even flinches as his back connects with the wall, with Oikawa crowding his space and smiling a bit too wide. “Nothing has changed, huh? You see what your _rotten_ luck did?”  
  
When Kageyama doesn’t respond, a fist wraps itself around in the fabric of his jacket, yanking him off the wall then slamming him back against it again. “Don’t even think about Aoba Johsai, Tobio-chan. We don’t need you fucking things up even more. Some of us actually want to play as a team so we can get somewhere.” 

“You did this to yourself.” The hand smoothes out the wrinkles it caused and Oikawa pulls back as if he hadn’t just manhandled him, and Kageyama recognizes the why when he hears oncoming footsteps. The team stops a few feet away, but obviously not because they want to chat to Kageyama. They all look at Oikawa with questioning gazes, Iwaizumi looking a bit more grim than the rest, as to why he was even talking to the setter. 

“I was just giving Tobio-chan some pointers!” Oikawa says in that sickly sweet way of his. “He reminds me of when he was this tall,” he motions at his waist, “and followed me around like a duckling! Make sure you listen to my words, Tobio.”  
  
Kageyama’s not stupid enough to ignore the threat that is tied to the last few words. He tunes the rest of the conversation out. This time, there is no heavy feeling in his chest. There’s no pain. There’s no racing thoughts. There’s nothing. He feels nothing.

Kageyama Tobio is nothing.

_Feels like we’re on the edge right now_

Kageyama’s bag falls off his shoulder and onto the floor as he shuts the door to his bathroom behind himself. He looks up to the mirror, giving himself the elevator eyes, and a huff of laughter leaves his lips. The burst of laughter seems to unclog everything and soon Kageyama struggles to see his reflection past the tears that swarm his vision. 

**_“_ ** **_We don’t need you fucking things up even more.”_ **

_I wish that I could say I’m proud_

He yanks the zipper to his jacket down, then tugs the fabric off of himself entirely. Kageyama grasps onto the edge of the sink and bows over, taking in a deep breath but it breaks off as he tries to take too many at the same time. 

**_“Oikawa-san was right.”_ **

_I’m sorry that I let you down_

He pushes off the sink and paces around the bathroom, switching between shaking his hands out and wrenching them together as he tries to calm the sudden onslaught of thoughts that had previously been quiet. He rests his forehead against the cool tile of his bathroom wall, trying to ground himself. He knows not to let himself get carried away, he’s bigger than these stupid thoughts, but Kageyama finds himself floating further away in his thoughts.

**_“When’d you become such a tyrant, Kageyama?”_ **

_All these voices in my head get loud_

Kageyama rushes back for his sink, swinging the medicine cabinet open. Bottle after bottle falls onto the ground around him as he looks over their labels with shaking hands. He finds what he’s looking for and drops his arm to his side with his hand clasping it tightly. He takes in a deep breath, and it sounds like he’s wheezing for his last, dying breath. He’s drowning in his thoughts like a man abandoned at the deepest depths of the ocean. 

**_“You saw what your rotten luck did?”_ **

_And I wish that I could shut them out_

Kageyama twists the lid off the pill bottle and the lid flies across the bathroom due to how much force he put behind it. The sound of the pills bouncing off the tile floors around him is all that it takes for Kageyama to crumble onto his knees, shoving his face into his shaking hands and sobbing. His shoulders shake violently with the sobs that wrack his body and Kageyama falls onto his side, curling up into a ball like it would hide his heart from the world. 

  
  


**_“You did this to yourself.”_ **

_I’m sorry that I let you down_

Kageyama can’t stop the thoughts, because there was only one thought he used to reset all the crippling fears whenever they would bloom in his chest before. ‘At least I have volleyball.’ But he doesn’t. Not anymore. His future in volleyball is doomed. The high school scouts must have been watching. They must have seen how the team neglected him, what did that say about him? No one wants someone who is so unbearable, that his team practically forfeited the match just so they didn’t have to play with him. What did he have, if not for volleyball? His mother barely looked at him at the car-ride back home, because, _of course,_ the one and only match she had come to see was the one he was abandoned in. His sister is in Tokyo living her life. They haven’t talked since his mother put him on the phone to talk on her birthday, and even then only a few words were exchanged. He had no friends. He had no one.

He doesn’t know why everybody hates him so much. But maybe he does, because now he hates Kageyama Tobio too.

He cups his hands and brings them together as he runs the sides of them on the ground, scooping up as many pills as he could between them. He gets up onto shaky legs, looking up at himself in the mirror. Kageyama stares at his bloodshot eyes and snotty face. _Pathetic._ He brings his hand to his mouth, wrestling all the pills into his mouth and turns the faucet on so that he can gurgle down the pills with water. He chokes, but pushes through the pain in his throat. Kageyama looks at himself in the mirror one more time before falling back, ignoring the dull pain that came when his back hit the wall behind him. He slides to his ass, the back of his hands laying on the tiles on either side of him, and his long legs stretched out ahead.

“Pathetic.”

 _  
_ _Let you down_

The chattering in the gym dies down slowly as the group gathers around their coach, who looks grim, but the expression is not strange since they cost themselves Nationals just two days ago. 

“Don’t worry, coach. I’m sure our kouhais have the next match in the bag.” Kindaichi boasts loudly, clapping an underclassman on the back. Everyone chuckles, shaking their head at the middle-blocker’s antics, but quiet down once more when their coach doesn’t follow along. Kindaichi coughs and looks a little uncomfortable with the tension that lingers in the air.  
  


“Kageyama Tobio will not be attending practice with us today, or anymore,” the coach starts after clearing his throat. Everyone looks puzzled, they didn’t miss the fact that the setter is nowhere to be seen, so they thought that it had been more than obvious. They don’t understand why the coach looked so distraught and exhausted, hadn’t he gone along with their plan in the first place? The man shuts his mouth and grits his teeth, like he didn’t know how to continue. “He…”

When it becomes clear the man had no intention of continuing his sentence, Kunimi speaks up. “He quit the team? It’s the end of the year anyway, right? It won’t cost the team anything if he’s graduating anyway.”

“Kageyama Tobio has passed away.” Their teacher, who had been quiet up until that point, says out of nowhere. The man acts like he hadn’t just announced the death of a student and continues. “You are all expected to attend the memorial ceremony the school is going to hold in his honor as his teammates. No sneakers, no jeans. Wear the appropriate attire.”

Everyone has paled, glancing between the coach and their teacher with wide eyes and then each other. The sounds of muttering, whispering, and gasps fill the area as they process the information. Kindaichi looks like he’s winded after a punch to the gut, Kunimi looks like he’ll throw up. 

“How?” Kindaichi gathers up enough courage to ask.

“Suicide.” He goes silent for a few moments, allowing them to process the information before carefully continuing. “We know this is going to be difficult for you, it is not easy losing a fellow teammate. The counsellor wants to let you know that his office is always open if you wish to talk. Do not be afraid to reach out for help. You should not be going through such a thing, but unfortunately it is not something we can control.” The teacher continues to speak and Kunimi suddenly stumbles away and doubles over, emptying his stomach on the ground. 

The coach dismisses them after they seem stable enough. Kindaichi and Kunimi walk side-by-side with unspoken words hanging in the air between them. And when they hear a first year talking about Tobio, it takes everything in them not to explode. “Why is everyone overreacting? Didn’t we hate him anyway? Isn’t this…” The boy lowers his tone like he wants to whisper, but fails, “a good thing?”

The third years can barely look at each other, because they _know._ Did they only care because he was dead? This was all their fault and they know it, but they refuse to admit to it, no matter how cowardly. They finally part ways after getting their things, never speaking the words that they both couldn’t stop thinking about.

_If they knew what they did would lead Tobio to his death earlier, what would they do instead? Would they have done things differently?_

They both share the same fear that maybe, _no, they wouldn’t have._

✵✵✵

If a year ago, one had told Kageyama Tobio a certain brown-haired setter attended his funeral with tears in his eyes, he would have laughed in their faces no matter how much he wished for it to have been true. What would have been different if he had known just how true that was?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obvi let you down by NF is what inspired me to write this!! its my very first angst piece though, so im not sure if its that good!!! 
> 
> leave any suggestions in the comments for anything you wanna see !! <33


	2. Blueberry Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️TW⚠️: Bullying, assault, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and suicide. Read at your own discretion.

Oikawa sends Kageyama back into a wall by shoving his shoulder and crowds into his face, stretching his lips out into a wide, predatory grin. “Nothing has changed, huh? You see what your rotten luck did?”

He waits for a bite, any form of a reaction, but it doesn’t come. Oikawa feels his left eye twitch and fists his hand into the fabric of Kageyama’s jacket. He uses his leverage on the boy’s jacket to pull him off the wall and slam him back into it, leaning closely to whisper in the boy’s ear. “Don’t even think about Aoba Johsai, Tobio-chan. We don’t need you fucking things up even more. Some of us actually want to play as a team so we can get somewhere.”

“You did this to yourself.” He pulls back and places his palm on the boy’s chest to smoothen out the wrinkles he made by grabbing it in the first place. He goes to pull his hand away, but a tight grip around his wrist stops him. Oikawa startles, looking up into devastated, blue eyes. He looks over Tobio’s tear-stained face and his breath hitches. 

“Why?” The blueberry boy croaks and his voice breaks. He doesn’t let go of Oikawa’s wrist even when the brunette tries to pull away, forcing Oikawa to watch him fall apart right in front of him. Oikawa feels sick to his stomach and he continues to fight against the grip on his wrist, but, suddenly, it disappears. When he looks up, Kageyama is gone. 

Oikawa furrows his eyebrows and looks around. He’s no longer in the hallway where he had confronted Tobio. He’s back in Kitagawa Daiichi’s gym and he hears the familiar sound of squeaking as sneakers skid against the gym floors. 

“Oikawa-san.” He turns around and sees nothing but the top of a bed of black silky hair. He glances downwards, taking a step back at the sight of first-year Junior High Kageyama Tobio looking up at him with animated, wide eyes. “Please teach me how to serve.”

“No, no,” Oikawa pleads and tries to run from the inevitable thing that’s going to happen, but his feet are glued to the ground and he’s forced to watch as his hand raises up into the air and strikes Tobio across the face with the back of it. He watches Kageyama’s head snap to the side, the shock in the cobalt eyes as the ravenhead tries to bite back his wobbling bottom lip at the explosion of pain. Kageyama doesn’t keep looking at the ground like he does in his memories. Oikawa watches with horrified eyes as the boy looks at him with a watery gaze, his pale face tainted by the red mark on his cheek. “Why did you hate me so much? I looked up to  _ you _ .” Kageyama chokes out, a sob escaping his throat and shaking his entire body. Oikawa freezes as the lump in his own throat continues to grow. “You hated me, Oikawa-san.” Kageyama whimpers, “you kept going until everyone hated me.”

“Stop.” Oikawa rasps out, trying to close his eyes but it’s as if someone sewed his eyelids open. He raises his hands to cover his ears, but his attempts to block out what he’s hearing are futile. “You pushed until I was left alone. And I hated being alone, Oikawa-san.”

Oikawa groans, shaking his head violently as the tears finally stream down his face. “Shut up! Shut the fuck up!”

“I was so scared of being alone, because it hurt. I couldn’t stop thinking about everything you did to hurt me. I was scared of you. My idol.”

Oikawa screams, dropping onto his knees, and presses at his ears until it feels like his head is going to pop off from the pressure. “Please, stop.”

“I died alone.” 

“Stop! Please, make it stop!” Oikawa’s unable to look away from Kageyama as the boy approaches him and kneels down next to him. A soft hand grips at his chin, turning his head until his gaze lands on a figure slumped up against the wall in front of him. It’s Kageyama’s body. Third-year Kageyama. The boy’s arms are on either side of his body, his legs stretched out in front of him, and his head is sagging onto his own shoulder. His limbs are limp and lifeless. A pill bottle lays a few feet away from the corpse. “I died,” first-year Kageyama whispers into his ear, “and it’s all your fault.”

Oikawa screams as he springs up on the bed, scrambling back blindly, only struggling further when he gets tangled up in the sheets around him. Oikawa heaves for air, then screams bloody murder again. Arms wrap around him, trying to tug him away from the sheets that are restraining him and Oikawa continues to thrash around while screaming, only sobs are mixed in with the shrieks of horror. 

“Oikawa! Oikawa, hey, hey! Tooru,” A voice gasps out as the arms tighten around him, trying to restrain him so that the brunette doesn’t hurt himself. “Calm down- shit!” Iwaizumi barely dodges the flailing arm that comes at his face. He wraps his arms around Oikawa and pulls him back until he’s resting against his chest, guarded by his arms.

Oikawa continues to cry, grasping onto Iwaizumi’s arms around him as a means to calm down. He pushes back against his naked chest, trying to bury himself in the warmth his boyfriend exuded, to fight against the chill that wrapped itself around his body.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Iwaizumi kisses his temple despite the thin sheet of sweat that covers it, and rocks them back and forth. “It’s okay.” He continues to repeat as he breathes in the shaking boy’s strawberry scented shampoo. 

“I’m sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry, Tobio-chan.” Oikawa chokes out and turns to bury his face into the skin of Iwaizumi’s chest, his body jolting painfully at every large breath he tries to pull into his lungs. “I’m so sorry.” 

Iwaizumi doesn’t fight against the tears that fill his own eyes as he tightens his arms around Oikawa, wishing he could take the pain off his boyfriend’s shoulders and put it onto his own. He’d do anything so he didn’t have to see Oikawa in this state ever again. 

Iwaizumi doesn’t leave Oikawa’s side, even when his breathing evens out and he falls back asleep. He stares at the corner of the room, where he sees a certain blueberry haired boy looking at the two of them with tears wetting a trail down his face.

_ I’m sorry _

“Ha-ha, very funny, Akira-chan.” Oikawa drawls and shakes his head, ignoring the questioning look Iwaizumi sends his way from where he’s sat at the coffee table in their apartment that’s a few blocks away from the University they’re both attending. 

_ “What?”  _ Akira’s voice filters through the phone, sounding exasperated.  _ “This isn’t a joke.”  _

“So, you expect me to believe Tobio-chan’s dead? We just saw him like yesterday.” Oikawa is as disbelieving as they come if the smile on his face has anything to say about it. Iwaizumi looks over at him with narrowed eyes, before he’s getting up and walking over to snatch the phone out of Tooru’s hand.

“Kunimi?”

_ “Iwaizumi-san. _ ” The fox-boy says as a greeting, but he doesn’t say anything else. The one word is enough to show how  _ tired _ the boy sounds, as if he hadn’t slept at all.

“What’s this about Kageyama being dead?” Iwaizumi pushes.

All he gets is silence for a few seconds before the same tired voice speaks up.  _ “Kageyama committed suicide.” _

“What?!” He barks down into the phone, waiting impatiently at the push that must have been Kunimi flinching away from the phone. “If you and Kindaichi are making jokes about something like this, I’ll put your heads through a wall!”

_ “I’m not fucking kidding!”  _ The pissed off tone from the usually calm boy is enough to finally slap Iwaizumi in the face with the reality of the situation. He feels lightheaded and has to grasp onto the counter next to him, ignoring the worried look that Oikawa sends him when he almost falls over. He pushes the phone into Oikawa’s chest and grasps at his stomach with his now free hand when he feels it stir uncomfortably. 

“Akira-chan, what did you say?!” He winces at the shrill voice of Oikawa yelling at Kunimi on the phone. He quietens down and it’s at that moment when Iwaizumi knows the message finally got through his thick skull. Kageyama Tobio is dead.

Their kouhai is dead.

He took his own life.

“I-Iwa-chan,” is all the warning he gets before Oikawa is crashing to the ground with his eyes rolling into the back of his head.

_ I’m so sorry _

“Oikawa-san?” 

Doe-eyes look up from where they were drilling holes into the face of Kageyama Tobio, who is staring back at him from the portrait his face is painted on, gazing at the tired-looking boy beside him. Kunimi’s tie is snug against his neck and Oikawa would have teased him about finally learning how to tie a tie if the situation they were in wasn't actually happening. But it is. Oikawa doesn’t speak, but his eyes seem to be enough of an answer. 

“We’re heading up to pay our respects to his family. You want to come with us?” 

Oikawa shakes his head and practically breathes in the comfort he gets from Iwaizumi rubbing his back. He can’t possibly face Kageyama-san, nor could he face Kageyama Miwa who is almost a carbon copy of Tobio himself. Not after everything he’s done. It would break him. 

Kunimi looks at him for a few moments before shaking his head and turning away, Kindaichi following after him wordlessly. The middle-blocker had not peeped a single word to him at all, not since  _ the _ game. The one where everything went wrong. What had they known back then? About where they would be now? Iwaizumi and Oikawa stand at the back of the service, staring at the smiling face of Kageyama on the portrait at the very front of the building. 

The volleyball team carries Tobio’s coffin on their shoulders, some of them are crying, some of them are stony-faced, but there are the couple of members who look like they just want to get it over with and Oikawa wants nothing more than to beat them until they couldn’t tell left from right.

Their coach had suggested the idea to Kageyama-san. It’s clear the man is drowning in his own guilt. Oikawa glances over to the man, the coach, who’s standing next to Kageyama-san while wiping at his eyes with a handkerchief. As if he wasn’t an accomplice in Tobio’s death.

Oikawa leaves at the end of the service, Iwaizumi politely says goodbye to everyone for the both of them before following him. They both sit silently in the car, not speaking to each other. They hardly speak to each other at all these days, but it’s not to be mistaken for their love being broken.

Oikawa pretends he’s asleep when he hears Iwaizumi crying that night in bed, knowing his boyfriend would want nothing more than to be alone to deal with his grief. He sits up when the sounds stop, waiting until he’s certain Iwaizumi is asleep, and leans over to wipe the tears off of Iwaizumi’s screwed up face and kisses both of his closed eyelids. 

Oikawa places his head on Iwaizumi’s chest, letting the boy’s heartbeat lull him to sleep where Kageyama Tobio is awaiting him in his dreams. 

Sometimes Kageyama is sad and angry, crying and blaming Oikawa for everything he’s done. 

The other times, Tobio-chan is walking along the shoreline, giggling as he runs away from the water that splashes towards his feet, and the sunset casts an orange hue in the sky, the golden hour makes his Tobio that much more beautiful. He and Iwa-chan chase after the boy before catching him and wrapping him up between them, and kissing him.

Oikawa Tooru isn’t sure which dream haunts him more. The memories of what happened, or what could have been.

_ I’m sorry that I let you down _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my heart :((
> 
> if yall know teen wolf, the scene where stiles stilinski wakes up from his nightmare screaming in the middle of the night is what inspired me for oikawa's night terror as u can see in the video linked below...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CXqTRdO-P0
> 
> any suggestions can b dropped in the comments, i love ur guys' feedback n comments <333


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